This was a reflection I wrote for my teacher inquiry course in September. Now that I have officially graduated and am finally recognized as a teacher it is so interesting to reflect on what I felt/still sometimes feel. I guess what one of my favourite professors said to me over the summer was true: Teaching is not for the faint of heart.
September 19th, 2011
My process has been stretched thin this week. I found that my thoughts around my teacher identity and my personal identity as a queer, feminist, woman of colour have moved from a space of contention, into a space of blending and mixed emotions. I have been reading the profound words of bell hooks and Adrienne Rich, and their thoughts on education and teaching. I have also been reading a Canadian publication about the experiences of LGBTQ teachers and students in the public school system. Reading the words and feelings of fellow queer, racialized teachers has reminded me that I am not alone. Though much of my feelings around this program are mired in loneliness and isolation, and the deep sense of inadequacy that I feel, I have also been reminded by bell hooks of the power of the margins, and using my multiplicity of identities as a source of strength and resilience.
This is not to say that I feel totally comfortable with this process, but rather, these readings have reminded me of the light at the end of the tunnel, and have called me home to myself in a way that I have not felt throughout this program. This calling has reminded me of the power of authenticity, and the value of my relationships with others (students, families, colleagues, friends, etc).
What does it mean to be my authentic self AND be a teacher?
How does my understanding of my identity shape and influence how I live my life (thoughts, words, behaviours, actions)?
I want to carve my own path of heart through the margins. I want my feelings of isolation and my struggle through this incredibly flawed program to help me grow (stronger, prouder, more understanding, gentler) and to shape my praxis for the better. I do not and will not be left in the despair of a society that attempts to regulate and categorize who we are, by what we look like, our gender, or who we love.
However, what I continue to come up against is the anger. The righteous rage that I feel when I see/read/experience inequity, prejudice, discrimination, social exclusion, and hate. Where shall I put this rage in order to channel it into positive change?
And then there is fear. The fear of further isolating myself by delving deeper. By sharing with my peers and colleagues the parts of me that I am told to hide. By sharing the painful ways in which the comments, opinions and non-chalant words of my professors and peers have hurt, excluded, angered, and scarred me.
I am left standing only with burning questions. Do I really want to be a teacher? Is this my genuine path of heart?